I was born on a planet in a galaxy far, far away. As luck would have it, the planet faced a global catastrophe, so my parents put me in a rocket and send me to a strange blue sphere far, far away. When I landed on Earth, I ended up in a sewer where a pack of penguins raised me. Some weirdo in a bat suit harassed me, so I tried to kill him. Well, that didn’t really work.
I moved to a town named Derry in Maine, where I sometimes dressed as a Clown and scared kids, but then someone wrote a book about me and turned me into a real asshole, so I left.

As years went by, I was hiking through Europe when aliens abducted me. It was a strange furry thing and a dude that looked like Harrison Ford. They said they were flying some kind of a falcon, and they sold me to this great guy Jabba the Hutt. I worked as a bounty hunter until a mighty Sarlac ate me. I managed to get out, though.

I traveled around with the guy who lost his pet rancor for a while, trying to give him as much emotional support as possible. But eventually, we parted ways when I went to Rivia where I started my career as a monster hunter. I met this girl Yennefer, and she stole my wallet, so I followed her around for a while but eventually decided it wasn’t worth it.
I returned to Earth and went on a fishing trip. I didn’t catch anything for 84 days, but then I managed to snatch a monster marlin. I fought with the fish for three days when I was finally able to kill the great adversary and strap it onto the side of the boat. On the way back, the sharks ate it, though.
Right now, I’m thinking about writing books about all of these events. Maybe even sell some to Netflix.


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